Happy Birthday DAD!!! June 1st, 2011, my dad would have been 71 years old today! Do we celebrate birthdays in heaven?? Hmm....nothing says we do, but nothing says we don't either. Can I choose to believe the celebrations are even more spectacular where you have friends and family, from every path of your life surrounding you in the glory of the LORD and our Savior?? Why can't there be the most delicious, moist, decadent cakes there with ribbons of caramel swirling the filling and gooey goodness holding it all together plus coconut shavings, cause...why not?!! I say, let there be cake!! And as much as I would love to be buying my dad another golf shirt OR gift certificate for a month of golf OR the most amazing cheese slicer made of marble so he can fulfill all his cheese fantasies OR call him to have my kids sing Happy Birthday to him and hear his voice quiver as his belly begins to tighten pretending that he isn't crying only for the 4 seconds he can hold it in, I choose to believe he is having cake in the most glorious venue EVER surrounded by love and a HOLY GOD!! I still miss my hug most of all! The best was when you got a hug AND could feel the belly start to tighten, then shake as he soaked in all the love you were willing to give him. The memories are still so fresh, LORD, please don't fade them away with time. And with that, away we go.....
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Well, we have arrived. Big deep breath, tissue box handy, heart fully exposed and off we roll. My mom and I have still been sharing a bed during the night hoping the presence of the other will bring a sense of comfort and strength. We both pretend not to cry ourselves to sleep, but it's obvious with the apparent shaking of the bed as we roll to opposing sides, cover our faces with our pillows and only come up for air intermittently so we don't suffocate. Getting to sleep is always the challenge for me....staying asleep was the challenge for my mom. I am amazed at how little sleep our bodies were able to function on without getting sick in the midst, such an amazing "fight or flight" response we have built in to our bodies. Thankfully, the night sleep brought no phone calls from the hospital for us and we have to be grateful for that! I seem to be in business mode for most of the days, its the nights that get to me. The Lord has given me a strength and clarity of mind for the task of being there fully for my dad AND my mom during the day, so I seem to awake with a renewed focus, ready for the task at hand....maybe after that cup of coffee though! We head to the hospital on this Day 9 of the adventure we never wanted to be on. Another 35 miles of highway that seems to get further and further away with each passing day.
As we pull in to the parking lot, it's jam packed with cars....now we even have to park FAR away from the doors of the hospital. An inconvenience for sure, but we need the exercise is what I try to convince my mom as she is sure the world is after her and this parking situation proves her point all the more. I get it, what do you expect having the one you love laying in a hospital bed rather than at home with you. Once on the 5th floor, we push the call button to head in to the CCU. When the doors open, I nearly hold my breath as we walk to his bedside hoping to see some open eyes. The nurses greet us, as they so graciously have EVERY morning, and we see his nurse tending to him. Hoping for a thumbs up, she welcomes us in and gives us the numbers run down. So, back to his heart....he hasn't been able to sustain a consistent rhythm all night, she says and the docs are concerned that the medication isn't helping like it should. The more work his heart is having to do, the less effective it can be to send healing blood to the rest of his body, so now it's the number one priority. We will have to talk to the docs and see what they are thinking, but he's really weak. When we approach his bedside, we both lean in the kiss him and he joins the world with his beautiful blue eyes as soon as he feels my mom's touch! This time his countenance hangs as if he has just completed a marathon, exhausted at the sheer opening of his eyes. This is surely not the direction we were hoping for! What happened to....let's go boys!!! No fight or fire in those pearly blues, just a lake of peril and uncertainty. I gotta bring the fire for him and breathe a little life into his soul. He still isn't talking much because the trach placement and the drugs. We talk about anything that might perk him up, we give him the run down of all the people we have been talking to during this process to be assured of all the people who love him and are praying for him. He hears about his daughters that are calling and wanting to be there, in fact, one is one her way to be with us! He seems to be happy about that, but the joy is squelched by the realization that he has a trach in and it's not going anywhere soon.
We see the parade of doctors beginning their rounds and we wait for them to make it down to us. Anticipating their arrival, I jot down some notes to be sure I don't forget to ask them some questions that have come up. It's the young doc today along with the director of neurology and the head of cardiology (uh oh!), we have some heavy guns today. I am not sure any bullet proof vest would have been strong enough to protect us from the news today. His heart is not responding to the drugs they are giving him in order to correct his atrial fibrillation. His heart cannot withstand this kind of rhythm for much longer, so we need to take action. They recommend cardioversion to correct his irregular heart beat. This is similar to being defibillated, but the electrical shock used is significantly less than when you are trying to restart a heart. There is risk involved with any procedure, but the real concern here is that the cardioversion doesn't dislodge the clots that have been forming in his brain from the initial head trauma. His head is still healing, so this intervention becomes a bit more dangerous. If one of the blood clots dislodges it can cause a stroke or travel to the lungs causing a pulmonary embolism, or he could die. WHAT?!! Picture a deer caught in headlights and that is how my mom and I both looked when the doctors got through telling us their recommendations and how they want to proceed. How did we get here?? And now we need to give them the "OK" to administer electrical shock in hopes to fix his rhythm. Deep breath, try not to faint, remain calm and stay focused. It really seems this is the only way for him since the drugs are not working, so do we really have an option to say no? As a frightened pair, we give the "Go Ahead" and the preparations begin. We only have about 30 minutes with him until they send us out and say that they will call us when they are finished.
We both fall onto the bed and weep, praying this will not be the wrong decision. What happens if a clot dislodges...then what?! The anguish inside cannot be masked any longer and dad sees the full extent of our fears as we sob on his bed. He is conscious enough to understand what they are going to do to him, but cannot really express his fears, thankfully. I don't know if I could have handled seeing him cry too! We tell him that we love him desperately and we just have to trust the doctors on this one. But, I have to tell him a few things just in case something happens, "You have been an amazing dad. I have learned so much from you and will continue to teach my kids about their Papa. This isn't over, you just need to know these things!" (In my head, I am praying these words are not the last words he hears from me, because the possibility exists.) The doctors come back to our 3 person huddle on the bed and tell us they will call us back in as soon as they can. My mom and I kiss him one last time, hold hands as we leave his room and walk out of the CCU. Back into the gray and maroon hallway to wait. I lose it....no more holding it together for anyone. A phone call to my husband sounds like a sobbing mess as I try to communicate what is happening. He can get people praying right now, so he must start making phone calls. We slump down on the floor with our knees in our chest frozen in time as we wait. No one is talking. No one is moving. Breath is barely happening.
A LONG hour goes by and the doors swing open with the doctor coming out to speak to us. We try to read his countenance immediately, but thankfully he eases the pain quickly with, "Everything seems to be working just as we hoped!" And we exhale. His numbers look good and his heart rhythm seems to be back on track. Now we have to wait and see if it holds. He explains that his body might go back into atrial fibrillation, but hopefully not, time will tell. But he is doing well and we can head back in to be with him. Heads held high, we follow the doctor back in, praising and thanking the Lord for allowing him to stay with us and letting this procedure work. The look of sheer relief is even plastered all over the nurse's face as we step back into the room. It really seems as if they are pulling for him personally and they genuinely care about his well-being. They have told us countless times how helpful it is that we are there for my dad everyday because they have some patients that are in the hospital for weeks without any visitors and they just don't do so well. Thankfully, they couldn't get us to leave even if they wanted to! Glad they are happy to have us. Let's all sit down and watch some golf, huh, we have had enough excitement for the day. Can we all just keep it down and in the realm of boring for the next couple of days.....PLEASE!!! I'm exhausted!
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